Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
