she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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