cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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