was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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