I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
