Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
