This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
