I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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