I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
