Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
