I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
