Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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