He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
