i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need to calm my uterus...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
