She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
