That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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