shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
