I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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