"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
