You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
