I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
