Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
