his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
