I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
