You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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