yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He passed out mid-signature
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
