i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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