There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
