On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
