I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
