Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
