She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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