We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
