i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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