Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
