wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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