just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
