hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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