The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
