i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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