I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
