He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
