Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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