Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
