My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
