Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
