I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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