she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
