college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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