Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I faked an abortion last night.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
