dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
