Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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